I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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