we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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