And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
