y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The air taste purple.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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