Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
