Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This is the high leading the old right now
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
