You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
