Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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