We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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