you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
