DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
