Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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