I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize