you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
