Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
