I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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