I will die if light touches me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
