Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize