he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
