the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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