Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
