I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
