Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
