That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
