She is in my trunk
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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