before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize