Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize