you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
