it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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