omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
