Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
