...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
