There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
