I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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