Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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