Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
