just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize