Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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