My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
