"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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