Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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