I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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