Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I will die if light touches me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize