It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
