I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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