mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
