I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
