how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I want her autograph on my taint
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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