Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
