I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
