Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
