Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
