i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
