I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
