Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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