Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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