BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
