i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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