I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
