my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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