Only a mothe r could love this liver
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
