my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
