I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
