nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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