I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
