I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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