i just sent this text using only my big toe
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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